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Is It Self-Care or Are You Avoiding Something?
We often hear that we need to prioritize self-care. Take a break. Watch your favourite show. Read a book. Take a bath. Say no to plans. Spend some time alone.
And these things can be forms of self-care.
But sometimes, what looks like self-care on the surface can be avoidance. So how do we tell the difference?
What Is Self-Care?
Self-care is about intentionally taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. It can look different for everyone.
Sometimes self-care means doing something enjoyable, like reading a book or watching a movie. Other times, it might mean doing something less exciting but necessary, such as getting enough sleep, going to an appointment, setting a boundary, or taking a break when you are overwhelmed.
At its core, self-care should help you recharge, reconnect, or take care of yourself.
What Is Avoidance?
Avoidance happens when we try to escape something that feels uncomfortable, difficult, or overwhelming.
Maybe you have been putting off an uncomfortable conversation. Maybe you've been avoiding opening an email because you’re worried about what it might say. Or perhaps you have been scrolling through your phone because sitting with a difficult emotion feels too uncomfortable.
Avoidance can feel good in the moment. When we avoid something that makes us anxious, we often experience a temporary sense of relief.
The problem is that the thing we are avoiding usually doesn’t disappear.
In fact, it can sometimes feel even bigger when we eventually must face it.
What is the Difference?
The same activity can be either self-care or avoidance depending on why we are doing it.
Imagine you have had a long day at work and decide to spend 30 minutes reading before getting ready for bed. You finish your chapter feeling relaxed and ready to sleep.
That is probably self-care.
Now imagine you have been feeling anxious about an upcoming conversation with your partner. Instead of addressing it, you spend the entire evening watching TV because thinking about the conversation feels uncomfortable. You go to bed feeling temporarily relieved but wake up the next morning feeling even more anxious.
That might be avoidance.
The behaviour itself is not necessarily the problem. The intention and the outcome matter.
A Few Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re unsure whether something is self-care or avoidance, try getting curious rather than judging yourself.
Ask:
“What am I trying to get away from right now?”
Sometimes identifying what we’re avoiding can tell us more than the activity itself.
“How will I feel afterward?”
Will this leave me feeling rested and more capable of handling what is ahead? Or am I likely to feel more stressed, guilty, or overwhelmed?
“Am I choosing this, or am I automatically reaching for it?”
There is a difference between intentionally deciding you need a break and automatically scrolling through your phone whenever something feels uncomfortable.
“Am I taking a break so I can come back to this, or am I hoping it will go away?”
Taking space from something can be healthy. The question is whether you re eventually able to return to it.
Avoidance Is Not Something to Be Ashamed Of
It’s important to remember that avoidance is a human response.
When something feels threatening, overwhelming, or uncomfortable, our brains naturally look for ways to make that discomfort go away. Avoidance can provide immediate relief, which can make us want to repeat it the next time we're faced with something difficult.
This does not mean you’re lazy, unmotivated, or doing something wrong.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t I just deal with this?”, try asking, “What feels difficult about this right now?”
That small shift from judgment to curiosity can help you understand what is underneath the avoidance.
You Do Not Have to Choose Between Self-Care and Doing Hard Things
Sometimes we think self-care means avoiding anything uncomfortable. But genuine self-care can also involve doing something difficult because we know it will ultimately support us.
Self-care might mean:
Taking a break before having a difficult conversation.
Saying no to something when you are already overwhelmed.
Going to therapy even though talking about certain experiences feels uncomfortable.
Opening the email you have been avoiding.
Making the appointment you have been putting off.
Setting a boundary even when you worry someone might be upset.
Allowing yourself to feel an emotion rather than immediately trying to distract yourself from it.
Sometimes the most caring thing we can do for ourselves is rest.
Sometimes it’s taking the next small step.
The Goal Is Not to Never Avoid Anything
We all avoid things sometimes. You don’t need to analyze every Netflix episode, cancelled plan, or quiet night at home to determine whether you are practicing self-care “correctly.”
Instead, try to notice the bigger pattern.
Ask yourself:
“Is this helping me take care of myself, or is it helping me stay away from something I need to face?”
There may not always be an immediate answer, and that is okay.
Self-awareness isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about becoming more curious about our choices and learning what we need.
Sometimes you need to rest.
Sometimes you need to distract yourself for a little while.
And sometimes, after you have taken that breath, you need to gently turn toward the thing you have been avoiding.
Both can be part of taking care of yourself.
About Anchoridge Counselling Services
At Anchoridge Counselling Services, we believe that meaningful change often begins with small, intentional steps. Whether you’re navigating anxiety, stress, relationship challenges, or life transitions, our team is here to provide compassionate, client-centred support. Together, we can help you build practical strategies that support your well-being and create lasting change at a pace that feels right for you.
Supports
At the end of the day, you don’t have to navigate difficult feelings alone. Reaching out for support is a meaningful step, whether you’re feeling overwhelmed or just need someone to listen.
Here are a few options available to you:
Suicide Crisis Line (Canada): https://988.ca/
Reach Out (24/7 support): https://reachout247.ca/
Support Line (Certified Listeners): https://certifiedlisteners.org/
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